


Birthday Blues

by iam_spock (FanficbyLee)



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M, New Vulcan, Star Trek Beyond, spock prime - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-09-15 09:31:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9228875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanficbyLee/pseuds/iam_spock
Summary: Spock and Jim talk about Ambassador Spock's death on Spock's birthday and come to some decisions.





	1. Chapter 1

_Personal Log Stardate 2263.006: It has been four days since Ambassador Spock’s passing, and I find myself recalling every message we’d sent to each other over the years in my memory. Our conversations were often brief, a simple trading or words, a touch of our souls, as I sought out a mentor from someone who made it a point not to advise me beyond his words to tell me to remain in Starfleet._

_He broke his rule in one area often, however, in that he encouraged me to speak to Sarek. My anger with my father faded when Vulcan and my Mother died, but I still made little effort to connect with him, as Jim would say, which I now regret._

_While I have decided to remain in Starfleet, with my crew, for as long as humanly possible, I must attempt to bond with my father. We are both alone now, and before the new_ Enterprise _is ready, it is imperative that I make the effort._

_I find that today I miss them both a great deal—Sarek and the Ambassador—as it is my, or should I say our, birthday._

I sat my PADD on the table after finishing my log entry, and leaned back to gaze toward the center of Yorktown Station. It was a spectacular view, but I could not stop my mind from wondering at the engineering required to keep the enormous space station operational. Leonard would tease me about it if he were having breakfast with me, but I was alone.

It was early yet, I was in my dress uniform for a meeting with the Board of Starfleet Academy’s Yorktown Campus where I was seeking a position until the new _Enterprise_ was space ready. I needed to keep busy, and as I’ve always enjoyed teaching, it seemed the logical choice of jobs while we wait to return to the stars. Others in the crew have been assigned to other vessels, but I have no desire to go into space without my friends and family.

Picking up my cup, I was sad to discover that it was empty as was the plate of fruit and cheese I’d ordered for breakfast. Still hungry, my long fingers tapped over the ordering panel set into the table, telling the café staff that I was in need of a refill of tea, and I ordered a bagel with cream cheese to go with it. Leonard was quite firm in insisting that I eat more while I continued to heal from my injury from Altamid.

My abdomen did ache from time to time, but the pain in my shoulder from grabbing Jim was far more problematic—that issue I did not bring to McCoy or the Captain’s attention. The pain of both would fade with time, and if they grew worse, I would use Vulcan mental disciplines to control the pain.

“What are you doing here?” A shadow fell over my table, and I looked up into Jim’s face. He was also in dress uniform, probably for yet another meeting with Commodore Paris. I was curious what they would be talking about, but I could wait until Jim told me later. He pulled out the chair next to me without need for permission and tapped his own order into the table.

“Having breakfast,” I pointed out with a slight arch of my brows. “And you?”

“I went to your quarters to give you this.” Jim set a small package on the transparent table top. “Sorry about the Christmas paper, but it’s nothing we shouldn’t both be used to, right? It’s a pretty green though, and it’s a hell of a lot better than the other option that had reindeer on it.”

“Better on it than in it.” Jim chuckled at my joke, and even with the bruises on his face, his smile was a brilliant reminder of Earth’s sunlight. “I am uncertain what I would do with a reindeer as I doubt those are on Starfleet’s approved pet list.”

“Are you telling me?” he leaned close as he asked the smile widening as he touched the back of my wrist. “That there’s a Starfleet rule you don’t know completely? What would the crew think?”

“That I am slipping in my old age?” It was another joke even though I was only three years older than Jim was, it still felt like decades at times. “I should open this before our food arrives.”

Beneath the paper, I could feel a rolled edge on a container of the sort tea came in, and I was grateful that it was a practical gift—as long as it was a flavor I liked. Of course if it wasn’t, Jim would never know. I knew from experience that there were times when the truth was not appropriate and gifts were high on that list. I carefully pulled the paper away after lifting the tape that sealed it free to find a copper colored tea tin. The lettering was Vulcan, and I had to fight back a smile.

“Jim, this is cha’al. It is my favorite.” How he knew, I had no idea. “And very rare. I had a small container on the ship,” which was far less painful than calling _Enterprise_ by name “,that I’d been rationing for years. Thank you.”

“Only the best for you, Spock.” I could hear the affection in his voice and slipped my paired fingers along his fore and middle fingers to show him how I felt. Jim turned his hand over and pressed the pads of his fingers against mine. “Always.”

That was when I realized how he knew, and my spine stiffened. It was the mind meld, the one he’d shared with the Ambassador. Was I jealous, jealous of a dead man? In a way, I was. I had never attempted to meld with Jim. Our relationship was progressing slowly, and that was an intimacy I did not feel ready for—also I was reluctant to see any remnants of the Ambassador’s memories. It was a conundrum that was most frustrating.

“Spock?” Instead of breaking contact with me, Jim curled his fingers tight, entwining them with mine. His bright smile was dimmed as he studied my face, which was not as unreadable as I’d like it to be. We were too close for that, and I should stop trying to keep him out. “I miss him too.” His blue eyes fell on the can of tea. “I knew because…and I wasn’t thinking…you’ve got to be feeling strange.”

“A little.” I stopped talking as a waiter brought us our breakfast, leaving a tray on the table for us to serve ourselves. “I have many confusing emotions where the Ambassador is concerned.” Fortunately, I was far more in control of my emotions than I had been with McCoy on Altamid as I continued. “I should go to New Vulcan, to pay my respects, and to see Sarek.”

“Of course,” Jim said, the grip of his fingers was still strong, but his thumb was rubbing along the back of my hand in a very comforting way. “I think that’s a great idea. Would you mind if I came with you?”

“Not at all. I believe he would have wanted you to.” And I was not at all ready to face my father or a world I’d spent as little time as possible on without Jim at my side. “Jim…”

“Spock.” Now the smile was back, but his eyes were filled with concern for me that was most touching. “I think you need to look. What I know…what he shared with me. You should have those memories too.”

His Katra. Had anyone seen to it? That was a question I had to ask Sarek. If no one had, Jim had the only memories of my older self, and it would be wrong for them to be lost. “I do not know, Jim,” my voice was thick with the emotions I could no longer keep at bay. “We can talk about that when we get to New Vulcan. I must talk to my father first.”

“After breakfast, though,” Jim said as he picked up a piece of bacon and popped it into his mouth. “And then we can talk to whoever we need to in the brass to take some of that leave we’ve both been sitting on.”

“Of course, Captain.” We finally let go of each other’s hands, but I could still feel the warmth of his touch as I picked up the bottom half of my bagel. “We must proceed logically.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim and Spock are on their way to New Vulcan. Along the way they have a talk about mind melding.

_Personal Log Stardate 2263.020: It has been two weeks since Jim and I decided to go to New Vulcan to pay our respects to Ambassador Spock. We would have left sooner, but no matter how much leave we had accrued there were a great many details to be seen to. We needed permission to go on leave. Needed to make arrangements for the reassignment of our duties._

_I was accepted as an instructor, which cut down how much time I could be gone, which was actually something I was grateful for. I was uncertain how much time I could spend with Sarek. Our issues run deep, and no matter how civil we have learned to be with each other, spending three weeks together would more than likely lead to more years without speaking._

_There was also a surprise a week after my birthday, Ambassador Spock had bequeathed a small warp capable ship to me. It’s arrival at Yorktown was beneficial as Jim and I no longer had to rent a ship or take public transportation to New Vulcan. Catching a ride with a Starfleet ship was an unpredictable method of travel—best avoided for the outgoing part of a trip—but it would be fine for the return trip._

_Mr. Scott said the ship was in excellent condition and space worthy. I found its name amusing. The Ambassador called it_ I-Chaya _, which was the name the sehlat we had as a child._

“This is a sweet little ship,” Jim said from the pilot’s seat of the small cockpit. Behind us was a galley and sleeping area with bunks for two as well as a lavatory. It was by no means opulent, but it was mine.

We were both out of uniform. He was wearing his traditional battered jacket of imitation leather over a shirt and jeans, while I was wearing a simple sweater that reminded me of the one my mother made me when I went before the Vulcan Science Academy. It was bulky and warm. I found it comforting.

“Indeed.” It wasn’t much of an answer, but I was deep in thought, trusting Jim to handle this leg of our journey. It would take _I-Chaya_ four days to get to New Vulcan. We’d then have five days there before we had to return to duty on Yorktown. As we would be taking Starfleet transportation for our return trip. The _I-Chaya_ would be left with Sarek for his use. He was still the Ambassador to Earth and might enjoy the freedom of having a small personal ship. I would have no need for it once I returned to duty.

My mind was filled with conflicting emotions and chaotic thoughts about mind melding with Jim. Our friendship was well-established after so many years as partners in space—both romantically and platonically—but in those years, I had never sought to meld with him. I’d thought of it. I loved him enough to cross that line, but I was also frightened of the magnitude of such a bond.

Neither of us had been lucky in the romance department until we admitted our feelings for each other. Sadly, it had taken me nearly dying in a volcano for Jim to realize how he felt, and I had to watch him die to finally trust my feelings for him. My parents knew they loved each other shortly after they met. That was how it was supposed to be, according to multitudes of Earth literature, music, and movies.

Vulcans, of course, had different rituals, and I suppose in many ways, Jim and I forged our relationship along those lines—including violence and aggression.

“Spock?” Jim’s hand clamped my shoulder, drawing me from the twisted knot of my thoughts. He’d turned the pilot’s seat toward mine on the other end of the sleek control panel behind him I could see the thin veil of our warp bubble against the tapestry of space. “You were light years away from…well everything. It’s OK if you don’t want to do the meld. I won’t be insulted.” He said it, but there was a miniscule hint of pain in his eyes.

Jim was a complex creature for someone who presented such an opaque and simple persona. I knew he had abandonment issues. His father dying before he was born. His mother leaving him behind on Earth when she went back on duty with Starfleet. His brother running away from home, and I was sure there were other incidents that I didn’t know about that made him who he was.

While I loved him, I felt no need to fix him. The pain of his past was what made him into the person I loved. It was illogical to change him when I liked who he was, and I knew he’d accepted me for who I was as well.

None of which explained why I was reluctant—no afraid—of the mild meld.

“I do not want you to feel slighted by my reluctance, Jim. There is no one I would rather share my thoughts with than you.” I shifted closer, turning my seat to look him in the eye, our knees were at the most 10 inches apart, and we could reach each other easily. It was only a matter of seconds before Jim had his hand on my knee.

“I’m not—not really. A little.” His grin spread for a moment, then his touch ended as he got to his feet, heading toward the small galley area where he rummaged for some snacks for us. He quickly returned with a peanut butter sandwich for each of us and some iced tea for me and coffee for him. “Want to tell me what you’re worried about sharing? Are they my memories, Ambassador Spock’s? Or is it you don’t want me to see yours?”

“It is against the rules to answer with a yes or a no to a multiple-choice question, but in this case, I shall follow your example and say ‘yes’. All three.” I took a bite of the sandwich and chewed it slowly while waiting for Jim’s reply, my mind going over the possibilities of what he might say—as always.

“That’s silly.” That was not one of the expected responses, but it was not out of character. “We trust each other. We both trusted and loved him. Yes, there are things in my memories that I’m not proud of. Hell, picking that fight on the bridge with you in front of your father is high on the list. And I’m sure there are bits and pieces of you that you aren’t thrilled with sharing—but Spock, that’s how relationships work. Even without the telepathy, we’re together and always will be. You know it. I know it. _He knew it_. So, stop trying to avoid the inevitable. We’ll learn a little more about each other without talking out loud. What’s the big deal?”

He made me let out a sigh that was more of a snort. “You do realize that I am at a disadvantage when you are more logical than I am about something, and in this situation, you are. I am mired with emotions while you are being logical. It is most distressing.”

“I know. What would Bones think?” his smile was back as he tapped his coffee cup against my glass of tea.

“That we have lost our minds or are spending too much time together—both of which may be accurate,” I answered sharing the toast with him. “All right, Jim. You are right. We will meld when we get to my father’s house. I do not think _I-Chaya_ is the proper place for a first meld. I have not done one in a very long time.” My teeth sank into the back of my lip, a nervous habit I’d picked up as a child that no one could see. “I did not meld with Nyota. You will be the first human I have done it with.”

“I’m honored, Mr. Spock,” the humor was gone from his voice. It was thick with the emotions I could not display…yet. “It’s a date then. Let’s make sure your dad is out of the house though. Nothing worse than when your dad catches you making out.”

And once again, James T. Kirk made me laugh out loud.


End file.
